Recently I was thinking, and had a sudden realisation.
So for a while I’ve been so in the mindset of ‘yes, I’m going to stop cutting and it’ll be great, I can so do this, I really want to get over it all’
I really want to be in that place where I can freely talk about what I’ve been through and help others…. then I realised in order to be able to do this, I shouldn’t be engaging in self harm myself. No self harming… being completely over it. YIkes. It panicked me.
I suddenly realised, as much as I want to help others etc, I don’t want to stop myself. I don’t see the problem with hurting myself. I can’t imagine it not being there for me.
The only reason I don’t want to do it is because of the scars it leaves. If it didn’t leave scars, I would have no problem with it whatsoever.
So first realisation: I don’t actually want to stop.
Second realisation: To get into that mindset of actually wanting to stop, I need to appreciate myself more. I don’t care about myself, I don’t value anything about myself. I am one of those people who really doesn’t care when they die (I don’t want to die, I just don’t have an issue with when the time comes)
I need to love myself. THEN, and only then will my mind change and I’ll realise that I’m worth more than this.
Learning to love yourself… now that’s gonna be a toughie.