So I’ve had a couple of stressful weeks, during which I am no longer friends with this guy… it really upset me/made me really angry, but I feel strangely fine about it now. I’ve had an emotional day and just a bunch of stuff has been happening.
So like, I feel like I should be feeling worse…. kind of scared I’m tricking myself into thinking I’m absolutely fine, like not wanting to deal with my emotions? I hope this isn’t the case cause they’ll just all decide to emerge at the same time and I don’t want that, I’ll end up cutting or something, and I’m doing well at not giving into that voice. Because I’m not cutting, if I am just ignoring my feelings, they’ll just build up, and as I said before, all come out at once one day - don’t want to be dealing with that.
- I have such a pessimistic outlook on life, but in a cheery way if that makes any sense?
- I want to die before anyone i really care about, it’s so selfish. I love my nan, and can’t imagine her not being here. My uncle has motor neurons disease, and my mum has MS…. I can;t stand the thought of them deteriorating while I’m here. The one time I had to push my mum round in a wheelchair because there was so much queuing that she couldn’t stand for that long, was one of the worst times of my life :/
- I still have no respect for my life. But I want to.
“Sleeping next to someone,
not with someone, is perhaps
the most intimate you will
ever be with another human.
In sleep, we are completely
defenseless. We are soft
and supple and childlike.
Our hard exteriors fall away
when the sand hits our eyes.
The way you sleep, with your
face softened and your arms
wrapped around my waist,
is the most beautiful thing
I have ever seen. I am not an
artist, but I may become one
just so that I can capture that
moment.”—I Miss Sleeping Next To You. (via ryannxp)
I know alcohol hightens your emotions, but still, right now I just want to stop living, I want help but I know I won’t get it cause a lot of the time I’m fine, but I want to die… I think, maybe. I won’t take my own life though, I just want to disapear, for ages.
I feel like writing a lengthy post, I’ve deactivated my facebook because I just want to shut myself off from people for a bit, and to stop myself thinking about certain people. So I’m back on this tumblr.
So I have one year left of uni, and it’s pretty fucking scary, I never realised how much I don’t want to grow up, until now.The older I’m getting, the more I don’t want to interact people I don’t know, getting a proper job is so daunting. One of the main reasons is because of my scars. I analyse jobs by whether I’ll be able to wear long sleeves/bracelets, and the more I think about it, the more I hate myself for doing this to myself. I have no courage to pursue anything. Honestly not sure how I’m going to cope.
I’m also fed up with people, perhaps boys in particular, from experience and others, they seem like shit. My experience with boys since uni has made me feel worthless, I feel like, okay maybe a guy will like me, but that will only be for a short amount of time, then they find someone better and leave. I don’t understand how some people can jump from relationship to relationship, whereas, guys just don’t seem to want more with me… although to be fair, I’m only thinking of 2 or 3 guys here, I don’t really give any one else a chance.
I feel more and more that people will be judging whatever I do, even really nice people I know, I just don’t feel comfortable around many people, I don’t like big groups of people unless I’m really good friends with all of them. And other things, but basically, I thiiiink I have a tad bit of social anxiety…
There have a been a couple of times over the past few months where I’ve felt like I wanted my mum to know about everything I’m going through, I mean friends and others I know, who know is one thing… it’s hard to tell if they actually care or not, but family… I know my mum and dad would be so supportive, they wouldn’t understand but I know they care about me. I just physically can’t tell them, no way. Especially my dad. And then my mum has a lot to deal with already, like her MS and a husband who is not great, then my little sister who gives her agg.
Since Easter my faith has definitely started to get back on track again, even though I don’t seem to be going to church, but it has been making me feel better, but I don’t get why, even with everything I know about God, I still wouldn’t care if I died tomorrow, like I really don’t appreciate life that much, and I really do want to.
I guess, I’m just feeling quite lost at the moment, and don’t know what to do, things maaaay start getting worse again, I think I just want help, but I won’t reach out to the right people to get it. I don’t want to go down the whole sex, alcohol and self harm phase again, I’m trying to be good.
My dentist once told me that letting go is like pulling a tooth. When it was pulled out, you’re relieved, but how many times does your tongue run itself over the spot where the tooth once was? Probably a hundred times a day. Just because it wasn't hurting you doesn’t mean you didn't notice it. It leaves a gap and sometimes you see yourself missing it terribly. It’s going to take a while, but it takes time. Should you have kept the tooth? No, because it was causing you so much pain. Therefore, move on and let go.
Yeah, you know I said that I was going to carrying on with that guy even though I knew I’d be the one getting hurt? Well yep that has happened now. He is now seeing someone…. I’m not that bothered really, just a bit upset at the moment… will probably get worse when I see him again but meh.
I’ve decided to give up boys for a while, too much hassle and I never have any good luck and it always ends up with me feeling like shit.
If you have ever took a blade or flame to your skin, ever skipped a few too many meals, ever drank that bit too much or took a few more pills than you should have then REBLOG this, I want to follow you all.
The way I am thinking makes me think like… I should deffo be talking to someone… there’s obvs something wrong.
So I made plans to come back to the flat cause this guy was coming over. Then he couldn’t, fair enough. But now I’m all alone. I got upset, knew I should have stayed at home today, knew I would get the wine out and probably cut.
Did that stop me from opening the bottle? Nope.
Only time will tell now how tonight will turn out….