aren’t in the
sturdiest of grounds,
but I am
where I should be.
I have to believe this
to keep myself sane.
I have to believe
that this is all
for bigger and better
reasons.”—Michelle K., Reasons of Seasons. (via michellekpoems)
“I wish the
little pink scars
on my arms
so I could prove
that I wanted
to go fast and hard,
but I didn’t.
To prove that
even in the midst
of 2am tears,
self-control.”—Michelle K., Things You Should Notice Beyond My Scars. (via michellekpoems)
Recently I was thinking, and had a sudden realisation.
So for a while I’ve been so in the mindset of ‘yes, I’m going to stop cutting and it’ll be great, I can so do this, I really want to get over it all’
I really want to be in that place where I can freely talk about what I’ve been through and help others…. then I realised in order to be able to do this, I shouldn’t be engaging in self harm myself. No self harming… being completely over it. YIkes. It panicked me.
I suddenly realised, as much as I want to help others etc, I don’t want to stop myself. I don’t see the problem with hurting myself. I can’t imagine it not being there for me.
The only reason I don’t want to do it is because of the scars it leaves. If it didn’t leave scars, I would have no problem with it whatsoever.
So first realisation: I don’t actually want to stop.
Second realisation: To get into that mindset of actually wanting to stop, I need to appreciate myself more. I don’t care about myself, I don’t value anything about myself. I am one of those people who really doesn’t care when they die (I don’t want to die, I just don’t have an issue with when the time comes) I need to love myself. THEN, and only then will my mind change and I’ll realise that I’m worth more than this.
Learning to love yourself… now that’s gonna be a toughie.
I feel like things are building up behind a dam. That dam being the ‘not caring’ line. Once it breaks I will go back to sleeping with people, self harming and drinking all the time. I am trying so hard to not let it get like that again. But it just seems so tempting. SO tempting. I just want to stop caring and go crazy.
Home for Christmas and it feels so nice to be back!
Over the past week or so things have definitely gone downhill. Last Saturday was my friend’s birthday so we went out. I was very drunk and the urge to self harm was overwhelming when I was in the club and I had no idea what to do with myself… none of the glasses were glass… they were plastic, as I found out when I tried to smash one in the toilets :/ I felt AWFUL. But I held off the urge for days, until Thursday, and I gave in. Silly.
Friday I went to a friend’s birthday thing and even then I just felt meh even though I was surrounded by such lovely people, and I didn’t want to drink, but I did… and at the end of the night I was so ready for bed, which normally I am not haha. Then the next morning I felt sooooooo self conscious, like, when we were all waiting for breakfast etc I couldn’t look at people, I didn’t know what to do with myself, I just wanted to get out of there. I just sat in silence pretending to yawn now and again to give the impression I was really tired. Weird times.
So I am SO happy to be home.
Also, I finally saw the guy who is trying to cut me out of his life it seems, for the first time the other day and he SMILED at me. ?!!?! I just wanted to punch him in the face. I’d rather he just ignored me… totally took me by surprise.
So I’ve had a couple of stressful weeks, during which I am no longer friends with this guy… it really upset me/made me really angry, but I feel strangely fine about it now. I’ve had an emotional day and just a bunch of stuff has been happening.
So like, I feel like I should be feeling worse…. kind of scared I’m tricking myself into thinking I’m absolutely fine, like not wanting to deal with my emotions? I hope this isn’t the case cause they’ll just all decide to emerge at the same time and I don’t want that, I’ll end up cutting or something, and I’m doing well at not giving into that voice. Because I’m not cutting, if I am just ignoring my feelings, they’ll just build up, and as I said before, all come out at once one day - don’t want to be dealing with that.
- I have such a pessimistic outlook on life, but in a cheery way if that makes any sense?
- I want to die before anyone i really care about, it’s so selfish. I love my nan, and can’t imagine her not being here. My uncle has motor neurons disease, and my mum has MS…. I can;t stand the thought of them deteriorating while I’m here. The one time I had to push my mum round in a wheelchair because there was so much queuing that she couldn’t stand for that long, was one of the worst times of my life :/
- I still have no respect for my life. But I want to.
“Sleeping next to someone,
not with someone, is perhaps
the most intimate you will
ever be with another human.
In sleep, we are completely
defenseless. We are soft
and supple and childlike.
Our hard exteriors fall away
when the sand hits our eyes.
The way you sleep, with your
face softened and your arms
wrapped around my waist,
is the most beautiful thing
I have ever seen. I am not an
artist, but I may become one
just so that I can capture that
moment.”—I Miss Sleeping Next To You. (via ryannxp)
I know alcohol hightens your emotions, but still, right now I just want to stop living, I want help but I know I won’t get it cause a lot of the time I’m fine, but I want to die… I think, maybe. I won’t take my own life though, I just want to disapear, for ages.
I feel like writing a lengthy post, I’ve deactivated my facebook because I just want to shut myself off from people for a bit, and to stop myself thinking about certain people. So I’m back on this tumblr.
So I have one year left of uni, and it’s pretty fucking scary, I never realised how much I don’t want to grow up, until now.The older I’m getting, the more I don’t want to interact people I don’t know, getting a proper job is so daunting. One of the main reasons is because of my scars. I analyse jobs by whether I’ll be able to wear long sleeves/bracelets, and the more I think about it, the more I hate myself for doing this to myself. I have no courage to pursue anything. Honestly not sure how I’m going to cope.
I’m also fed up with people, perhaps boys in particular, from experience and others, they seem like shit. My experience with boys since uni has made me feel worthless, I feel like, okay maybe a guy will like me, but that will only be for a short amount of time, then they find someone better and leave. I don’t understand how some people can jump from relationship to relationship, whereas, guys just don’t seem to want more with me… although to be fair, I’m only thinking of 2 or 3 guys here, I don’t really give any one else a chance.
I feel more and more that people will be judging whatever I do, even really nice people I know, I just don’t feel comfortable around many people, I don’t like big groups of people unless I’m really good friends with all of them. And other things, but basically, I thiiiink I have a tad bit of social anxiety…
There have a been a couple of times over the past few months where I’ve felt like I wanted my mum to know about everything I’m going through, I mean friends and others I know, who know is one thing… it’s hard to tell if they actually care or not, but family… I know my mum and dad would be so supportive, they wouldn’t understand but I know they care about me. I just physically can’t tell them, no way. Especially my dad. And then my mum has a lot to deal with already, like her MS and a husband who is not great, then my little sister who gives her agg.
Since Easter my faith has definitely started to get back on track again, even though I don’t seem to be going to church, but it has been making me feel better, but I don’t get why, even with everything I know about God, I still wouldn’t care if I died tomorrow, like I really don’t appreciate life that much, and I really do want to.
I guess, I’m just feeling quite lost at the moment, and don’t know what to do, things maaaay start getting worse again, I think I just want help, but I won’t reach out to the right people to get it. I don’t want to go down the whole sex, alcohol and self harm phase again, I’m trying to be good.